So here I was at work organizing my favorite links and lo and behold I am able to get back onto blogger again, I had been blocked at work for a little over a month.
So I am getting on my sisters blog and looking at her links and there is mine yeah, I go to get on my brothers no link to me, I click on another one thinking Heather is my sister's but it turns out it is just a cute chick that used to live down the street from me and I had a huge crush on okay I am getting off the subject, I get back onto my plan and go to get on my moms and there isn't a link a to mine but even more absurd is there is a link to my brothers blogspot only.
So we know who her favorite is, all the time she tried to lie and say she didn't have a favorite and here it is proof that he is her favorite.
If I ever said I am hungry will you make something for me to eat, my mom would have some excuse, but if my little brother Chad said I am hungry she would say I am busy and he would threaten her not to eat and then she jumped up immediately with the thought my baby could starve I better make him something. I can remember her saying things like you can make yourself a sandwich or ramen noodles or eat cereal, and he would always have the lamest excuses why she would need to do it. It would be like well I can't spread out the peanut butter as well as you do, or no one can boil the water like you mom, or you put just the right amount of milk on it mom. I tried his tactic one and said fine I just won't eat and she said well you aren't going to starve anytime soon, and even if I said something like I don't know how she would try to give me instructions, okay butter the bread put cheese in the middle let it melt and you've got grilled cheese.
When I got home from serving a nice honorable full time mission for two years, I kept in contact with a friend from the mission. When my brother went on his mission a little after I got back I didn't want the house to be too empty or to not have someone that would take my side on pressing issues. Example two parents and one kid means parents will normally side with the spouse to keep them happy so they can keep the marriage strong, two kids and two parents means equal opposition and someone around to do stuff with. So I talk Nate into coming out to Zion (AAAAWWWWW) which wasn't too hard. He lived in Maine, and anyone who has ever been out there knows there isn't much to do. I also said how many cute mormon girls are in Maine and he said well there is one that is like 15 or 16 in the branch (which was basically the whole state) so I said listen you want a girl that believes the same and the fact that you noticed a girl 6 years younger being cute is a little freaky move out to Utah, get some schooling done, and go to a singles ward that is a gauranteed 400+ single chicks that you can meet every week. And it came to pass that he moved out here shortly after. Well My mom had stopped cooking it had actually been months since I had a meal made for me that didn't come from a restaurant. Nate gets in and she starts cooking again. She makes three dinners in a row and I try to get in a request, I say hey Mom I love your cooking I really like it when you make stroganoff, she fires back I don't know if Nate likes that I better check with him. I was thinking to myself what I am being replaced he hasn't even been here a week yet. I thought a month was the timeframe to be replaced.
She even has a picture of Nate and his Wife (a lot closer to his age just 4 day difference instead of 6 years).
None the Less-At least if she is only going to have my brothers link I can still say he should be jealous of the adopted son Nate she never cancelled a family party because one of her five couldn't make it. But if Nate couldn't make it lets push it off 'til next Sunday that would work best for Nate.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Food Names
I like to create new food names for common items just to have weird words to say. I don't think I would have ever thought about it until I heard my brother in law went out to eat at applebees as asked for the Fajitas (saying it as FAH-JITE-TAHS). I laughed and laughed then forgot about it. Then I saw Napolean Dynamite where grandma tells the kids to make themselves a dang casadilla (CASE-A-DILL-LAH).
Again I laughed and laughed then forgot about it. Well it was probably about the time that my son started calling everything his own names that I thought to myself it would be kind of nice if I just called things what I wanted to as well. For example he calls bananas NO-NOs because he never wants to eat one. I now call the laxatives no-nos. Yes I know plagerism of a one year old is low but at least I am helping his work get recognized in some form or another.
I have found the funnest things to rename tends to be mexican food.
Although you might not like how I would say things I will leave you up to make up your own to add to the list.
My first is chips and salsa every time I go out to eat and they sit us down they have to say let me get your chips and salsa. I like to call it Hips N Sal now it sounds so much more provocative.
Or if you are at the house and you have mixed some salsa and cheese it seems so much easier to say pass the seese please.
A quicker way to tell whether someone bought you a soft taco or a crunchy taco is to call them sochos and crotchos. I know most people prefer a socho to a crotcho.
My sister invited me over to her house for our families to hang out. She said she wanted to make some Nachos. I told her our family only eats Snachos. She said what are snachos to which I explained they are snack size nachos. She then proceeded to ask what the difference between nachos and snachos is. I told her the major difference is when you have nachos you are eating a meal that you probably don't want to be eating talking about family stuff. When you are eating snachos they are always the perfect size to satisfy your snacking needs and usually hit the spot with just the right amount. Plus snachos can go mobile so you can't get in trouble for taking your dinner into the living room.
Also if someone makes you a casadilla I expect it to not be cut up. If they cut it up I expect them to call it a cusadilla so I know it is precut. Because when my wife makes me a quick casadilla and doesn't have time to cut it up she gives me a casafork so I can cut it up with a fork at my convenience. When she has more time she makes me cusadilla, letting me know she had the time to precut it for me making the eating experience that much simpler.
The hardest part about these is when she adds beef or chicken into the mix then there are four different types of things you can have. The Chicasa or the chicusa, the Beecasa or the beecusa. Don't even get me started about what happens when she puts things on the side like sour cream or guacamole then it really is like we are speaking our own language.
I remember one time we were out at dinner basking in our perfect system talking about how we didn't know what was better to have after the Hips N Sal, the snatchos or the crotchos. Another couple obvious mistook out lingo for swingers and asks if we had plans for the rest of the evening. They obviously wouldn't have been able to keep up with us when they didn't even catch the insult I made saying I didn't like stalaco and my wife doesn't like tasmalles. They just laughed talked to us like we were foreigners and said if you don't have anything come by our room and left a hotel key.
I felt kind of bad for them that they couldn't have as much fun with each other that my wife and I had so we decided we should find someone to go keep them company. My wife went into a strip club and right after one of the girls was done dancing she got up on stage and said I happen to have a key to Bambi's room who wants to be her thumper for the night it goes to the highest bidder.
I think the $1500 we got was definitely the highlight of the night, I just hope the guy that was dumb enough to buy it was pretty plastered when he showed up. I know I would have definitely felt like I was screwed over if I showed up to find an older couple that looked like they could have starred in the golden girls. I just hope the first question he asked wasn't which one of you is Bambi?
Again I laughed and laughed then forgot about it. Well it was probably about the time that my son started calling everything his own names that I thought to myself it would be kind of nice if I just called things what I wanted to as well. For example he calls bananas NO-NOs because he never wants to eat one. I now call the laxatives no-nos. Yes I know plagerism of a one year old is low but at least I am helping his work get recognized in some form or another.
I have found the funnest things to rename tends to be mexican food.
Although you might not like how I would say things I will leave you up to make up your own to add to the list.
My first is chips and salsa every time I go out to eat and they sit us down they have to say let me get your chips and salsa. I like to call it Hips N Sal now it sounds so much more provocative.
Or if you are at the house and you have mixed some salsa and cheese it seems so much easier to say pass the seese please.
A quicker way to tell whether someone bought you a soft taco or a crunchy taco is to call them sochos and crotchos. I know most people prefer a socho to a crotcho.
My sister invited me over to her house for our families to hang out. She said she wanted to make some Nachos. I told her our family only eats Snachos. She said what are snachos to which I explained they are snack size nachos. She then proceeded to ask what the difference between nachos and snachos is. I told her the major difference is when you have nachos you are eating a meal that you probably don't want to be eating talking about family stuff. When you are eating snachos they are always the perfect size to satisfy your snacking needs and usually hit the spot with just the right amount. Plus snachos can go mobile so you can't get in trouble for taking your dinner into the living room.
Also if someone makes you a casadilla I expect it to not be cut up. If they cut it up I expect them to call it a cusadilla so I know it is precut. Because when my wife makes me a quick casadilla and doesn't have time to cut it up she gives me a casafork so I can cut it up with a fork at my convenience. When she has more time she makes me cusadilla, letting me know she had the time to precut it for me making the eating experience that much simpler.
The hardest part about these is when she adds beef or chicken into the mix then there are four different types of things you can have. The Chicasa or the chicusa, the Beecasa or the beecusa. Don't even get me started about what happens when she puts things on the side like sour cream or guacamole then it really is like we are speaking our own language.
I remember one time we were out at dinner basking in our perfect system talking about how we didn't know what was better to have after the Hips N Sal, the snatchos or the crotchos. Another couple obvious mistook out lingo for swingers and asks if we had plans for the rest of the evening. They obviously wouldn't have been able to keep up with us when they didn't even catch the insult I made saying I didn't like stalaco and my wife doesn't like tasmalles. They just laughed talked to us like we were foreigners and said if you don't have anything come by our room and left a hotel key.
I felt kind of bad for them that they couldn't have as much fun with each other that my wife and I had so we decided we should find someone to go keep them company. My wife went into a strip club and right after one of the girls was done dancing she got up on stage and said I happen to have a key to Bambi's room who wants to be her thumper for the night it goes to the highest bidder.
I think the $1500 we got was definitely the highlight of the night, I just hope the guy that was dumb enough to buy it was pretty plastered when he showed up. I know I would have definitely felt like I was screwed over if I showed up to find an older couple that looked like they could have starred in the golden girls. I just hope the first question he asked wasn't which one of you is Bambi?
Hi, I'm Victor and I am a foodaholic.
I am so greatful that we live in an age where people can go out and get support groups for whatever addiction they are trying to battle wether it is something like being an alcoholic, or just being over addicted to checking your my space account in hopes that there will still be an 18 year old hottie that is interested in a 45 year old baldy that lives at home with their mom (which reminds me I need to tell Darby to get back to work).
But the hardest part for me is what do you do when your addiction is considered medically necessary for you to continue to live and keep your current range of motion as limited as it may already seem?
Its not that I chose to not be picky, I don't care if it is a nice salad with carrots and beets or if it is a snickers stuffed deep fried twinkie ala mode with caramel sauce. I just really love food, and any of it.
There is no help out there for people like me. You get home and your stomach growls and your wife asks what have you eaten today and you say nothing and she is ready to go make you some dinner or asks where you'd like to go to grab a bite to eat.
Maybe it is because as a kid our family was poor. We didn't have money to go and get a lot of stuff. My mom went shopping once a month when we ran out of food we had to wait until the next month when she went shopping again to get what we ran out of.
There were a few years we couldn't afford to buy a gallon of commercial milk. It wasn't so bad that as the oldest sibling finished their cereal they would poor the left over milk to the next sibling until it had made its way down the line of kids and then was put back into the container, but we did have soy milk for quite a few years. Now I know you are thinking oh silk soy milk that is expensive if you were poor you wouldn't have gotten it or you are thinking that is some good stuff have you tried the chocolate? Well yes I have tried the chocolate silk its delightful, but as a kid my mom would get soy beans and boil them in water and that water became the soy milk we drank. Its just that having what taste like old goat milk on top of plain cereal for a few meals a day for long periods of time with the occasional mac and cheese or soup thrown in to add variety probably made me into who I am today. A foodaholic.
I really don't care what the name of the cereal is, it can be shredded wheat, or it can have a name like Tutti Frutti. When asked whats my favorite milk, as long as it came from a cow I can't ever complain, unless its chunky and expired. Whenever I have gone to someones house I could never complain about the food, even if it was authentic mexican food that gave you the authentic diarrhea effect the next day. Being able to eat with a variety of different things has always made me happy. I have never found a candy I didn't like, again maybe because I didn't have candy growing up. It doesn't matter if it is horehound or black licorice, chocolate covered ants or peanut butter bars with coachroaches in them (yes I have eaten all of these) they all seemed fine.
This just brings me back full circle.
Hi, I'm Victor and I am a foodaholic.
But the hardest part for me is what do you do when your addiction is considered medically necessary for you to continue to live and keep your current range of motion as limited as it may already seem?
Its not that I chose to not be picky, I don't care if it is a nice salad with carrots and beets or if it is a snickers stuffed deep fried twinkie ala mode with caramel sauce. I just really love food, and any of it.
There is no help out there for people like me. You get home and your stomach growls and your wife asks what have you eaten today and you say nothing and she is ready to go make you some dinner or asks where you'd like to go to grab a bite to eat.
Maybe it is because as a kid our family was poor. We didn't have money to go and get a lot of stuff. My mom went shopping once a month when we ran out of food we had to wait until the next month when she went shopping again to get what we ran out of.
There were a few years we couldn't afford to buy a gallon of commercial milk. It wasn't so bad that as the oldest sibling finished their cereal they would poor the left over milk to the next sibling until it had made its way down the line of kids and then was put back into the container, but we did have soy milk for quite a few years. Now I know you are thinking oh silk soy milk that is expensive if you were poor you wouldn't have gotten it or you are thinking that is some good stuff have you tried the chocolate? Well yes I have tried the chocolate silk its delightful, but as a kid my mom would get soy beans and boil them in water and that water became the soy milk we drank. Its just that having what taste like old goat milk on top of plain cereal for a few meals a day for long periods of time with the occasional mac and cheese or soup thrown in to add variety probably made me into who I am today. A foodaholic.
I really don't care what the name of the cereal is, it can be shredded wheat, or it can have a name like Tutti Frutti. When asked whats my favorite milk, as long as it came from a cow I can't ever complain, unless its chunky and expired. Whenever I have gone to someones house I could never complain about the food, even if it was authentic mexican food that gave you the authentic diarrhea effect the next day. Being able to eat with a variety of different things has always made me happy. I have never found a candy I didn't like, again maybe because I didn't have candy growing up. It doesn't matter if it is horehound or black licorice, chocolate covered ants or peanut butter bars with coachroaches in them (yes I have eaten all of these) they all seemed fine.
This just brings me back full circle.
Hi, I'm Victor and I am a foodaholic.
The small problem with scooters
There is an ever increasing trend that is happening all over America. People think they are too poor to drive their cars, and in turn are spending thousands of dollars on these little scooters that you are seeing all over the road. Now don't get me wrong I am all about saving the environment, saving money, enjoying the open road, etc. But why do any of that on a scooter if you don't have to?
My little brother got a scooter last summer and I went with him to load it into the back of my truck and bring it over to our parents house where he was living. I managed to take it up to the church and thought hey this is better than walking and it is kind of cool seeing what these are like, but after I got back and I was able to get in my truck, turn on the radio, turn on the AC, lean back and relax I just thought to myself that scooter is not me, even if it also has a leather seat.
Don't get me wrong my brother is a scooter finatic, his leather pants, leather jacket and helmet all go great with his black and yellow scooter, but if I was stuck out in the sun and stopped for longer than three minutes total throughout the day I would either have passed out from heat stroke or I would probably instantly sweat off 25 lbs, which wouldn't be so bad, but then I would still have to go to work for the rest of the day in clothing that was completely soaked, and even if I wore a lot of deodorant I don't think it would be enough to cover for me.
Another thing is how do you pick up chicks with a scooter, do you say hey I know your little sports car is nice and comfy with you and your four friends, but would you like to give up your climate controlled social-life to hang on to the back of my mini moped while we drive somewhere and can't even talk at all on the way. Now if she is shy and you are the right guy she might go for the time with him without conversation, but last time I met a girl like that she could also beat me in 9 out of 10 sports and out eat me at dinner. I should have figured out why she had such a short haircut and why she talked about her bff so much, but I guess it would make her bff feel even better about her squeeze as she proved not only to be a man hater but a cocky one at that.
What is up with these bigger women on these mopeds as well? I don't care if the seashore smashing seafoam greeny blue fancy pants color matches with your last pair of shoes, or if you have a purse that would totally rock with it; when you are wearing a giant brown coat and you resemble a 600 lb grizzly bear that looks like your handbag is half of a dead fish you are about to devour on your way back to catching up with the circus, it is never a pretty site, and if you are hoping that with you being out in the open is going to help your situation in meeting mister right, you might as well blindly keep up that hope as the cute guys in that car to your right must really know a funny joke they are telling each other coincidentally as they look at you. Don't worry though you will always have your good friends, Ben and Jerry two guys that really understand you, and always listen to your problems.
My little brother got a scooter last summer and I went with him to load it into the back of my truck and bring it over to our parents house where he was living. I managed to take it up to the church and thought hey this is better than walking and it is kind of cool seeing what these are like, but after I got back and I was able to get in my truck, turn on the radio, turn on the AC, lean back and relax I just thought to myself that scooter is not me, even if it also has a leather seat.
Don't get me wrong my brother is a scooter finatic, his leather pants, leather jacket and helmet all go great with his black and yellow scooter, but if I was stuck out in the sun and stopped for longer than three minutes total throughout the day I would either have passed out from heat stroke or I would probably instantly sweat off 25 lbs, which wouldn't be so bad, but then I would still have to go to work for the rest of the day in clothing that was completely soaked, and even if I wore a lot of deodorant I don't think it would be enough to cover for me.
Another thing is how do you pick up chicks with a scooter, do you say hey I know your little sports car is nice and comfy with you and your four friends, but would you like to give up your climate controlled social-life to hang on to the back of my mini moped while we drive somewhere and can't even talk at all on the way. Now if she is shy and you are the right guy she might go for the time with him without conversation, but last time I met a girl like that she could also beat me in 9 out of 10 sports and out eat me at dinner. I should have figured out why she had such a short haircut and why she talked about her bff so much, but I guess it would make her bff feel even better about her squeeze as she proved not only to be a man hater but a cocky one at that.
What is up with these bigger women on these mopeds as well? I don't care if the seashore smashing seafoam greeny blue fancy pants color matches with your last pair of shoes, or if you have a purse that would totally rock with it; when you are wearing a giant brown coat and you resemble a 600 lb grizzly bear that looks like your handbag is half of a dead fish you are about to devour on your way back to catching up with the circus, it is never a pretty site, and if you are hoping that with you being out in the open is going to help your situation in meeting mister right, you might as well blindly keep up that hope as the cute guys in that car to your right must really know a funny joke they are telling each other coincidentally as they look at you. Don't worry though you will always have your good friends, Ben and Jerry two guys that really understand you, and always listen to your problems.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Dang Electric Carts
You know I still can't figure out what it is about those dang electric carts, but everytime I go to a particuliar store I end up driving around in them just to annoy people.
Its not like I am also stealing a handicap parking place, but when I go into the store and they have an ample supply of overabundance of red electric shopping carts, I figure why not enjoy the ride through their 12 acres of economically priced foreign goods.
There are three main points I must make about letting the good times roll.
First of all they have a horn on them. So if anyone gets in your way you let them know that you don't have to sit there and take it, well not literally sit there and take it. I like it when I honk at someone to move there cart and they don't seem rush over immediately to move it. I get out of the chair and walk over and push their cart out of the middle of the aisle. I used to just ram them but I didn't get the reaction I wanted from people. When you ram their cart they normally just call you a jerk or a potty word. When you honk and they say just a sec and you get up and move it then drive past they think hey why is someone that is perfectly capable driving one of those? or well if he gets to I better do it as well. I have also found that when you honk and wake up some ladies 9 month old the livid look on her face is priceless. Its like she want to call you a lovely lint linker (thanks orbit gum), but still just wants to drop her baby, tackle and strangle you to death. I unfortunately find this side of women so attractive too. When you know they have nothing but disgust for you suddenly you want them.
Second thing that is great about it is it makes picking up women all that much funner. You can start up a conversation somewhat like the Joker did in Batman, "You know how I got these scars . . ." It is an easy conversation starter and its funny. Hey how are you doing? I really like your american t-shirt. She replies oh thanks and then you cater to what you think she wants to hear, I actually was serving over there in the war until I got shot a couple times, I think I feel even more patriotic now then ever that I got to fight for such a great country you know? and most of the time they are a sucker like wow this guy is already talking about his feelings with me, he is either the one I have been searching for my whole life or the one that is going to love my brother Stuart!
Lastly it is always great to get people to do your work for you I love to pull up by someone that obviously looks disgusted seeing me coming up the row and then asking them if they can help me out. I say oh can you grab me that can of coconut milk for me on the top shelf. So they of course go to grab the closest one that they see first then right about when they hand it too you you just say oh no not this one the other one so they look a little bewildered and usually just grab another brand then you say again right about when they hand it too you no the other one to the left where there are still 6 more kinds of it and let them guess and if you are nice you take it from them, but if you want to be mean you say on second thought maybe I will just try the kind you got me the first time. This really frustrates them. Then start making ackward conversation about something in their basket, monistat 3 huh? I remeber the first time I had a yeast infection. . .
Its not like I am also stealing a handicap parking place, but when I go into the store and they have an ample supply of overabundance of red electric shopping carts, I figure why not enjoy the ride through their 12 acres of economically priced foreign goods.
There are three main points I must make about letting the good times roll.
First of all they have a horn on them. So if anyone gets in your way you let them know that you don't have to sit there and take it, well not literally sit there and take it. I like it when I honk at someone to move there cart and they don't seem rush over immediately to move it. I get out of the chair and walk over and push their cart out of the middle of the aisle. I used to just ram them but I didn't get the reaction I wanted from people. When you ram their cart they normally just call you a jerk or a potty word. When you honk and they say just a sec and you get up and move it then drive past they think hey why is someone that is perfectly capable driving one of those? or well if he gets to I better do it as well. I have also found that when you honk and wake up some ladies 9 month old the livid look on her face is priceless. Its like she want to call you a lovely lint linker (thanks orbit gum), but still just wants to drop her baby, tackle and strangle you to death. I unfortunately find this side of women so attractive too. When you know they have nothing but disgust for you suddenly you want them.
Second thing that is great about it is it makes picking up women all that much funner. You can start up a conversation somewhat like the Joker did in Batman, "You know how I got these scars . . ." It is an easy conversation starter and its funny. Hey how are you doing? I really like your american t-shirt. She replies oh thanks and then you cater to what you think she wants to hear, I actually was serving over there in the war until I got shot a couple times, I think I feel even more patriotic now then ever that I got to fight for such a great country you know? and most of the time they are a sucker like wow this guy is already talking about his feelings with me, he is either the one I have been searching for my whole life or the one that is going to love my brother Stuart!
Lastly it is always great to get people to do your work for you I love to pull up by someone that obviously looks disgusted seeing me coming up the row and then asking them if they can help me out. I say oh can you grab me that can of coconut milk for me on the top shelf. So they of course go to grab the closest one that they see first then right about when they hand it too you you just say oh no not this one the other one so they look a little bewildered and usually just grab another brand then you say again right about when they hand it too you no the other one to the left where there are still 6 more kinds of it and let them guess and if you are nice you take it from them, but if you want to be mean you say on second thought maybe I will just try the kind you got me the first time. This really frustrates them. Then start making ackward conversation about something in their basket, monistat 3 huh? I remeber the first time I had a yeast infection. . .
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